After last week’s drama-filled, she said, she said, cluster of an episode, my expectations for this week’s installment of The Bachelor were high. While I would’ve loved to see the continuation of the Caelynn and Tayshia drama, this week was unfortunately hometown week. Don’t get me wrong, I typically love hometowns — they set the front-runners apart and give us a weirdly intimate view of the contestants’ lives — but this hometown episode was different.
It was different because it was pretty boring compared to the usual hometowns. Colton visited four distinct cities across the United States and went on increasingly bleh dates before meeting the family and having the same conversation four times with each family.
First up, Virginia. Yes, Virginia — NOT North Carolina. I realize Caelynn is from Virginia so it would be silly to come to North Carolina, but as a North Carolinian, I’m offended that she’s using the name of our great state as her occupation on the show. I’m also offended that we had to outsource our Miss North Carolina 2018. First in flight, last in pageantry, I suppose.
After a horse-drawn carriage ride, Caelynn and Colton enter Virginia’s tiniest door to have a lovely cookout with her family. Throughout the entire episode, Colton emphasizes how important it is to get a father’s blessing before proposing, which is pretty traditional considering the premise of the show is one man dating two dozen women simultaneously, but I guess there’s a reason I don’t work for ABC. Caelynn’s dad hilariously suggests that the two of them should just be friends (foreshadowing??) before giving Colton a lukewarm blessing to propose to Caelynn. How heartwarming.
Next up, Alabama Hannah and her posh but pointless etiquette classes. Everyone is focusing on the ridiculous way Alabamians eat bread, but I’m more concerned with the etiquette teacher’s confusing analogy of protecting Hannah’s heart with an umbrella. Not to mention that the etiquette classes were ultimately pointless. I know North Carolina isn’t as far south as Alabama, so correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like rapping/beatboxing at the dining table probably isn’t traditional southern dinner etiquette.
Hannah’s mom initially seemed like she may want to kill Colton, but he got another half-baked blessing from Hannah’s dad (you can really just see the pain in her dad’s eyes as he’s speaking to Colton) so the night ends on a relatively high note. I wonder if it would’ve ended the same way if her family saw the couple’s “sushi roll” shenanigans just weeks before.
Then Colton headed to the West Coast to meet up with Tayshia. As soon as they meet up, she throws a blindfold on him (which is ridiculous — why would Colton know his way around Orange County?) and makes a truly hilarious and not at ALL overdone joke about the Bird Box challenge. As a blogger for The Ringer pointed out, the Bird Box challenge wasn’t even a popular thing until after this hometown date was filmed. So this was either The Bachelor‘s feeble attempt at being relatable by bringing Tayshia back into the studio to record that one line, or Tayshia is a time traveler. I prefer the latter.
We soon find out that she’s taking him to go skydiving. Again, boring date with no local flare — you can skydive literally anywhere. But I guess the thrill of almost immediately being concussed by Tayshia’s driving style makes this date a little more exciting for Colton. I will say though, the moment when they get out of the car and are laughing through their mutual fear of heights was absolutely adorable.
At first, it seemed like Tayshia’s dad would be the source of drama we all love to see in a hometown. He asked questions that other dads were scared to ask and made clear his opinions on the insanity of proposing after six weeks of dating several other women. And I held out hope as Colton’s initial request for his blessing was denied, but eventually Tayshia squeezed a blessing out of him, which is great and all, but I was hoping for more tea.
Still in California, Colton visited Cassie in Huntington Beach to
make out on the beach go surfing. Colton, the former LINEBACKER is shockingly not great at surfing, a balanced-based sport. When Colton gets down to the nitty gritty and asks Cassie how she feels about him, she gives the most California answer ever: “I think like…uh…I don’t know.”
Disclaimer: I don’t fully remember what happened when Colton met Cassie’s family, because I was busy thinking up an incredible tweet acknowledging their shocking resemblance to the Californians from SNL.
But, I do know that meeting Cassie’s family wasn’t an entirely successful venture for Colton. The family spent the evening in different conversations, most notably Cassie’s contentious conversation with her dad, which, in comparison to Tayshia’s heart-to-heart with her dad, made Cassie look like she was 13 years old. Cassie’s dad didn’t offer his blessing (shocker!) and Cassie was the only one who didn’t say she was falling in love with Colton. So overall, not a great night for Colton.
At the rose ceremony, Caelynn was the only one who didn’t get a rose. I suppose Colton’s lack of a blessing from Cassie’s dad wasn’t as important as he was making it seem after all. While the rest of America was shocked by Caelynn’s exit, I looked up spoilers the minute the premiere aired, so I expected this. What I did NOT expect was to be more upset about Cassie and Caelynn’s goodbye than Colton and Caelynn’s.
Everyone says that Caelynn was robbed, but if she’s willing to masquerade as a North Carolinian to win a pageant, maybe she’s willing to masquerade as a wronged contestant on Colton’s season to secure her spot as the next Bachelorette? Just a theory.
While we didn’t get to see Colton jumping over the fence this week, we did get to see Cassie jumping over her feelings (or lack thereof) for Colton. The previews for next week’s ~very special two-night Bachelor television event~ look dramatic as heck, so I’m excited see what’s in store.
Source for all media: ABC