Back by popular demand: ‘The Bachelor’ week 7 review

By “popular demand,” I mean approximately three people told me they laughed reading last week’s post. Which is more than enough validation for me to keep this up.

So to start off week 7, the crew heads back to Colton’s hometown of Denver where Colton chats with Ben Higgins to get some extremely pointless advice before meeting the ladies in a park and introducing them to his dog, Sniper (in case you forgot that Colton was MASCULINE.) He then announces that there is a one-on-one right now that he’ll be taking Tayshia on. While the duo head out for a lovely walk around downtown Denver, many of the women who Colton left in the park are seen choking back tears. (Womp womp.)

Tayshia and Colton quickly find their way to potentially the LOUDEST market in all of the western United States (after eating oysters – anyone else concerned about the quality of oysters in a landlocked state?), where Tayshia drops the bomb that Cassie and Caelynn aren’t “here for the right reasons.” Truly a shocking revelation and a Bachelor first that one woman rats out another woman for her misguided intentions.

It’s already pretty clear at this point that Colton doesn’t want to believe what Tayshia’s saying, mostly because Cassie and Caelynn are just the prettiest blondes in all the land. However, the cuts during Tayshia and Colton’s date to Cassie and Caelynn’s conversation are quite telling if I do say so myself. Caelynn saying “at least nobody named names” basically translates to “phew, good thing they didn’t say MY name.” This conversation just makes it seem like they’re trying to convince themselves (and each other, tbh) that they aren’t guilty.

Colton takes Caelynn on a one-on-one and they snowboard for a little bit but waste little time before getting down to the good drama we’re all here for. Colton bares his soul and expresses his deepest fears that he’ll pick a woman who isn’t ready for marriage (Which btw can we talk about how unnecessary it is to get engaged after the end of this? Like why can’t they just start dating like normal people and see if they adjust to non-reality TV life?) But, Caelynn channels her inner Miss North Carolina 2018 and successfully talks Colton into believing that she is 100% ready for an engagement and wouldn’t put herself through this show if she “wanted, like, a boyfriend at the end.”

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Oh, and then they dance at Red Rocks while some singer (who I can only assume is the long-lost Backstreet Boy that went country) serenades them.

The last one-on-one of the week is for Hannah B., who for some reason meets Colton’s family, which is super weird in my opinion. Honestly, it seems like Colton just needed to visit the family and give Hannah some screen time before he gave her the boot, so why not kill two birds with one stone?

In the evening portion of the one-on-one, Hannah puts it all out on the table again, and you can tell by the nauseous look on Colton’s face that he doesn’t feel the same. Basically Colton is just super confused and he just doesn’t “feel right” about Hannah. However, the way she handled it was pretty badass. Considering the normal amount of alcohol-induced tears on this show, I always commend women who make it to the car without crying. That boy doesn’t deserve your tears, girl!

Before Hannah left, she warned Colton to be cautious of people’s intentions. At this point, I’m starting to think that everyone other than Cassie and Caelynn made a pact to same something ominous to Colton before they left. Not super surprised that Hannah was a victim of this week’s episode though, because as one of my roommates says “she just, like…takes up space.”

Now that there are officially two roses left before hometowns, the remaining women go on a group date. Honestly I don’t even remember what they did on the group date because everything was focused on the Cassie-Caelynn-Tayshia-Kirpa drama. Within approximately twelve seconds of being on the date, Heather decides she needs to leave, and catches the train away from the date. (That’s right – the group date was a train ride!)

Meanwhile, Cassie and Kirpa are yelling at each other about the difference between facts and opinions, which is probably the most frustrating argument I’ve witnessed since the 2016 presidential debates, and Colton is still confused.

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They move to the evening portion of the date, and the other Hannah almost immediately gets a rose while Kirpa and Cassie are left to stare at each other and contemplate all of their decisions that lead them to this moment. Caelynn magically appears, conveniently enters through the door of this gigantic mansion that is directly adjacent to the two remaining women, and tracks down Colton. She says something to him (I’m livid this wasn’t aired) and he gives Cassie the rose.

Oh, yeah, we didn’t get the freaking fence jump. But to leave you with the wise words of Hannah B., “listen to people about things.”

 

Source for all media: ABC

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